


Douche Prevention

by Vertolina



Series: Even The Devil Needs A Friend [2]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Bromance, Dan is not in a good mood, Gen, Great abs come at a certain price, Lucifer is a great friend, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Slice of Life, You can't blame a guy for being cranky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 00:16:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vertolina/pseuds/Vertolina
Summary: “For the love of God, man, can’t you at least close your mouth while you’re chewing?”Let's say that Dan is having a bad day but the Devil is there to help... eventually.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rainey657](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainey657/gifts).



> I want to say a big thank you to Rainey657 whose comment on Douchifer inspired me to write this ficlet. I know it's not what you described but I hope you will like it anyway (I mean there is food involved... Food rectifies everything, right?) 
> 
> I honestly had no idea what I was doing but I had so much fun (and absolutely no sleep so you can blame the insomnia).
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes you will most certainly find.  
> All comments are welcome!

_Of course, tonight will be the night criminals decide to take a break. Typical._ Dan clenched his fingers around the steering wheel and groaned with frustration.

“You okay, mate?” For a guy who was all about entertainment, Lucifer was being infuriatingly calm in the face of their painfully boring and most probably worthless stakeout. The two men had spent the last five hours sitting inside the detective’s car, staring at an empty alley, hoping that Jacob Larson, notoriously known as Papa Legba, would make a wrong move. The guy had a reputation for being a drug dealer, occasional smuggler and an overall scumbag. His impressive criminal record was going two decades back to the first time he had brutally beaten his roommate with a baseball bat for ruining his leather jacket. However, despite the police efforts, he somehow always ended up being one step ahead, successfully avoiding the just punishment for his actions. That and the habit, he had in his early days, of making his nefarious deals at crossroads outside of town had won him the nickname and a place on the list of LA's most wanted criminals. He was a ghost, a demon and the LAPD was helpless to catch him.

That was until last week when Dan’s best friend Marc Henderson from the Gang and Narcotics Division had received an anonymous tip with vital information about Papa Legba’s next drug deal. Marc had enlisted Dan’s help on the case and after a few sleepless nights they had followed the lead to an abandoned shed just outside of the city. However, before they could gather any evidence, an urgent phone call regarding his pregnant wife had forced Henderson to abandon the stakeout, leaving it in the hands of his friend. And as if the pressure of the responsibility to catch LA’s most _slippery_ criminal hadn’t been enough, it appeared that Larson must have had some heads-up of his own because he had fled the potential crime scene only a couple of minutes after his arrival there. Now, without a probable cause for arrest, the only thing Dan could do was follow him around, praying that all the hard work would not turn out to be in vain. But all the bastard had done so far was pay a very long and undoubtedly pleasurable visit to his LA girlfriend.

“Isn’t adultery supposed to be a sin?” The detective’s voice was dry and humorless but the man sitting next to him beamed at the question.

“Well, Daddy dearest doesn’t exactly _like_ people who _dare_ to have too much fun, but the matter has been an open discussion topic for thousands of years now. Kind of depends on the person’s overall sin record,” Lucifer chuckled and leaned back in his seat. “It’s definitely not a _crime_ though. You can’t really arrest a chap for being unfaithful to his wife… or his other three mistresses.”

“Wow, thanks for pointing that out, Mr. Obvious!” Dan hissed, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He tried to recall the reason he’d asked Lucifer to join him but the only logical explanation he could come up with was that he must have suffered a minor brain stroke at that moment. In fact, he’d even thought they might have fun. Of course, that was before the whole case threatened to go to hell. Chloe was having a night out with her ‘tribe’ (meaning she was probably getting wasted somewhere with Maze, Linda and Ella) and Dan, knowing that Lucifer would be alone at Lux, had thought that that could be a great opportunity to spend some more time with his new friend. Besides, the guy’s insane fighting skills and weird drawing-out-desire mojo were making him a quite valuable asset. Not to mention that the man they were trying to catch did in fact fancy calling himself a demon so Lucifer’s presence was practically a must. But the hours had gone by and the Devil’s company had become insufferable.

The first two hours of dreadful waiting had been filled with Lucifer’s detailed explanation of the myth of the crossroads demons and his utter resentment toward the very idea (“I mean, why would I want _more_ souls in Hell? The place is already crowded as it is. And it’s not like anyone is ever _leaving_. Why do people just assume I would want them to suffer for eternity? Every deal I’ve ever made has been mutually beneficial. But _no!_ Humans just can’t accept that _maybe_ the Devil doesn’t _want_ to corrupt every aspect of their lives.”).

During the next hour and a half he had hummed and sung along some old songs on the radio, giving Dan the most terrible headache of his life. Finally, Lucifer had decided the torment had been enough and had turned off the music only to focus his attention on another irritating activity – eating. The detective had watched in utter disbelief as his partner had devoured two burgers, two packages of Cool Ranch Puffs and a whole box of Dunkin Doughnuts.

“You really want to catch this guy, huh?” Lucifer was busy opening _yet another_ package of Cool Ranch Puffs and didn’t seem to notice the man’s vexation. “You think presenting a big fish to the Lieutenant might get you a promotion?” He asked the question matter-of-factly but Dan could feel his dark gaze evaluating his reaction.

“No, I don’t think so. I just want to rid the streets of that piece of trash.”

“Oh, well…” Lucifer hesitated for a moment before proceeding with a smirk, “To protect and to serve, huh? I mean, that’s noble and all, but, if you want, I _could_ speak to Olivia and--”

Dan’s eyes widened in horror and before he could even think of a proper response, he heard his own voice shouting: “NO!”  
The image of Lucifer seducing the Lieutenant to get him a promotion made his head spin but a moment later he cursed himself for his harsh tone. Being flagrantly inappropriate was quite often just the man’s way of showing he cared. The detective inhaled deeply and when he spoke again his voice was calm and almost tender. “Thanks, man, but I don’t need you to be… um… Lucifer-ing for me,” he chuckled but his friend remained expressionless at his failed joke. “Look, I appreciate you offering to help me, but this fight is mine and mine alone. And I can’t take any shortcuts out of my mess.”

“Okay,” the tall guy nodded slowly and focused his attention on the package in his hands. “I understand.”

Dan waited a moment to make sure the conversation was indeed over and then closed his eyes in an attempt to relax his nerves. Lucifer wasn’t wrong – having a vital role in the closing of a difficult case _could_ help him climb his way back to the position he had before Palmetto and Malcolm ruined his career. But the chances were insignificantly small and he was trying to restrain from nurturing high hopes. Nevertheless, the impending failure of the whole operation was indeed affecting him and he could feel the ugly claws of exasperation clenching his chest.

However, it wasn’t just the job that had unhinged him but he didn’t want to admit his weakness. And yet it was hard not to think about it when the only sound surrounding him was that of his borrowed partner munching his snacks. The detective had his understandable doubts when it came to Lucifer’s claim to be the actual Devil, but watching him stuff himself like there would be no tomorrow made him wonder whether the guy didn’t have some sort of deal with the boss downstairs, after all. It certainly wasn’t fair for someone to be eating that much and still look the way the club owner did.

“For the love of God, man, can’t you at least close your mouth while you’re chewing?”

“I’m afraid God’s feelings for me won’t change no matter how I eat. And my mouth wasn’t open anyway.” Lucifer’s voice was unruffled and cold but he did put away his snack. Dan could feel the man’s eyes studying his face but willed himself not to look at him. He remained focused on the dark alley, seemingly insensible to the intense gaze, burning a hole in his temple.

“Have I done something to offend you, detective?”

The question caught Dan off guard and he turned his head to meet Lucifer’s eyes.

“What?”

“Are you mad at me for something?” There was something sad and lonely in the way the words rang in the closed space of the car and then died suffocated by deafening silence. With every second that went by Lucifer’s expression was becoming more and more woeful. _God, a six-foot-three tall guy, pretending to be the former ruler of Hell, should not be allowed to look like a kicked puppy!_ The detective shook his head and gave the other man a reassuring smile.

“You haven’t done anything… I’m not used to.”

“Right. Still that doesn’t mean you’re not mad, does it?”

“I’m just… moody, ok? Don’t pay attention.”

Apparently, not paying attention was the last thing his friend intended to do, considering that he had quickly shifted in his seat and now his whole body was turned toward him.

“When was the last time you had sex, detective? And, please, don’t tell me it was with Charlotte Richards!”

“The hell, man?!” Dan’s only hope was that it was too dark for the other man to notice the sudden blush on his face. Evidently, he was wrong because a moment later Lucifer groaned with resentment.

“Bloody hell, Daniel! No! That’s awful! Truly horrible! Completely unacceptable!” There was something almost amusing in the Devil's scandalized look but Dan couldn’t force himself to appreciate it.

“Yeah, man, that’s really none of your business. And what do you care, anyway?”

“Why I’m worried about you, Daniel. You’ve obviously decided to take the annoying path of those poor sods who deny themselves any carnal pleasure. I mean, look at you! There must be dozens of women _craving_ to give you a good time. Why don’t you enjoy yourself a little?”

“First of all, if you really _must_ know, there aren’t any women craving anything involving me. And sec--”

“Excuse me?” Lucifer seemed personally offended by the man’s statement. “What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Doesn’t matter. Again, none of your business. And why are you, all of a sudden, so interested in my intimate life?”

“The way you’ve been acting,” the club owner shrugged as if the whole thing was self-explanatory. “All cranky and ready to pick a quarrel. You remind me of Maze that one time she hadn’t had sex for a whole week.”

“Come again?”

“It was about a year after we moved to LA,” Lucifer smiled as the memory came to life in his mind. “We made a bet who would last longer without sex. Let me tell you, it was a complete disaster! Knives were flying _everywhere._ I had to close Lux for a few days to avoid the potential bloodshed.” He laughed out loud and closed his eyes reminiscing about the dreadful days of demonic rage. “Eventually, we ended up sleeping with each other. Word of advice, avoid sexually frustrated Maze. I still have a scar under my chin from the foreplay that day.”

“Yeah, great story. It’s nothing like that, though.” Dan concentrated his full attention on a little mote on the steering wheel and prayed his ridiculous friend wouldn’t dig deeper into the discussion.

“Well, of course it isn’t. Granted, you are a decent shot, detective, but wielding knives might not be your jam.”

“No, I mean I’m not going bonkers over the lack of sex.”

“No? What is it then?” Much to Dan’s surprise, Lucifer seemed genuinely concerned. “Because you’re definitely going bonkers, mate. You’ve been acting up for days now.”

The detective closed his eyes as a sudden and unexpected wave of remorse hit his chest. “Sorry. I haven’t... realized. But... Don’t laugh at me, ok?”

“My dear Daniel, do you really have so little faith in my good intentions?” Lucifer grinned devilishly and patted the man’s shoulder. “We are friends, are we not?” Dan nodded and Lucifer continued with less wicked expression on his face. “Then you can trust me.”

“Ok, I realize it’s silly. But… You know I’ve been working out lately, yeah?”

“Oh, trust me, your abs left a quite lingering impression on my mind, detective. Respect!”

“Yeah, well, whatever. The thing is it’s not all about exercising. I have to follow a whole regime, you know. That includes a special diet.”

“So?” Lucifer seemed confused and his lack of comprehension confirmed it to Dan that he had never put any effort whatsoever into the great shape he was apparently blessed with.

“So, I’m _hungry_ , man!”

“I offered you food!” Lucifer’s voice was defensive and almost hurt. “Why do you think I brought at least _two_ of everything? You said, and I quote this, that you would not eat _‘this garbage’_.” Lucifer grunted with frustration and for a second Dan thought he was going to punch him.

“That’s because I can’t. It was all junk food, man. I’m not even supposed to be anywhere _near_ carbs. And I already had my cheat day two weeks ago when Trixie and I baked those cookies.”

“So what? You’ve become vanity’s latest victim?” There was a mocking challenge in Lucifer’s voice but the detective decided to ignore it. There was no way he could explain it to the wealthy and attractive club owner that he was a divorced and currently single man of a certain age, with a child to support and a job that could barely cover his daily expenses. The only woman who had shown any interest in him had used him and left him feeling like a total fool. Focusing on _the goal_ was one of the very few things that had kept him from falling into depression and self-pity. Feeling his body become stronger reminded him that he was still alive, that he had fire burning inside of him and the fight wasn’t over. And it was usually quite easy for him to avoid going off the rails. An occasional pudding was satisfying his craving for sugar but the stress involved in the Papa Legba’s case had unleashed a side of him he honestly didn’t believe existed.

“You won’t understand, man.”

“Fine. But I’m quite familiar with food, you know. So why don’t you tell me what you _can_ eat? Trust me, I’m perfectly capable of bringing a lobster to a stakeout.”

Dan chuckled and, for the first time that dreadful evening, felt the air flow effortlessly through his lungs.

“It’s not that I’m starving or anything. It’s that I can’t actually eat what I _want_.”

“So I _was_ right, after all. You _are_ denying yourself a carnal pleasure. Just not the type I was expecting, but lust, gluttony… tomayto, tomahto.” Lucifer waved his hands dismissively and grinned at the detective. “But, my dear Daniel, self-restraint could be dangerous for the soul if you’re not careful.” The club owner proceeded with a lecture on the benefits of giving in to one’s desire but Dan had stopped listening.

“Lucifer… That man,” the detective pointed at a seemingly old guy, carrying a duffle bag over his shoulder.

“What about him?”

“Isn’t he the same one who went inside the building an hour ago? I couldn't see his face then but I recognize the clothing.”

“So?"

“I think I’ve seen him before. He looks like one of Larson’s associates. The bastard hasn’t canceled the meeting. He has only changed the location. Call for back-up!” With that last words whispered breathlessly to his partner, Dan jumped out of the parked vehicle.

And as the first gentle breeze of cool night air caressed his face he felt a familiar thrill take over his whole being. Out there, with a gun in his hand and the sound of his heartbeat drumming in his ears, he felt invincible. The shooting that greeted him as he burst open the door of the apartment where Larson was holding his meeting, was just a background noise for him. He barely registered the sharp pain in his temple as a bullet grazed his head before proceeding to chase after a man who tried to escape through the fire exit. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the detective realized that the shooting had stopped and was now replaced by distant terrified screams and pleads for mercy. _Lucifer._ After a few minutes of exhausting pursuit, he finally managed to tackle the perp to the ground, his victorious cry drowned out by the sound of the sirens of the back-up units.

 

_____________________ 

 

It took another two hours before the crime scene was all cleared out and Dan was allowed to rest for the night. His wound wasn’t deep and hadn’t even required stitches but he had the feeling his head was about to explode.

 “An inch to the left and you’d have been a goner.” Lucifer carefully observed the graze disrupting the detective’s temple and for a second Dan could swear his eyes had flashed red.

“It’s just a scratch. I don’t even feel it.”

“Liar,” a little and almost reluctant smile curved his friend's lips. “Regardless, you deserve a treat.” As he said that, Lucifer pulled out a small bag of Tootsie-Rolls and offered it to Dan. “I know you’re hell-bent on tormenting yourself, but if you think about it, you already burnt a great deal of those pesky calories chasing our criminal, so a bite or two won’t hurt a bit.” The Devil grinned archly and shook the bag in the man’s face. “Come on, Daniel! You know you want it.”

“I don’t know whether to kill you or kiss you!” It took approximately three seconds for the detective to open the bag and stuff two of the sinfully delicious sweets into his mouth. A deep sigh of satisfaction escaped his lips as the chocolate melted on his tongue and nourished his soul. “Yeah, I needed that.”

“I thought as much. Now let’s go get you laid.”

“What?” Dan gulped and stared at Lucifer with alarm in his eyes.

The club owner couldn’t contain his laughter. “With a woman, Daniel. There should be plenty of them at Lux right now. Don’t get me wrong, under slightly different circumstances I would have been all for a little friendly bonding, but I kinda made a promise to the Detective that I would not be sleeping around and I’m afraid that includes you, too.”

“Yeah, no problem. You really don’t have to…”

“So you understand. Lovely. Now let’s go find you a lady for the night.”

“No, man, I'm good, really, I’m…”

“Nonsense, Daniel. Think of it as step two of the Douche Prevention. You were on the verge of becoming an ass, my friend. If you think about it, you need to have sex for the betterment of society.”

“I don’t think that…” Maybe it was the throbbing pain in his head or the late hour but Dan’s resistance to Lucifer’s arguments was rapidly abandoning him.

“You’re hot and injured and you have a badge. Lose the hoodie and every woman within a fifteen mile radius will be yours.”

All the detective managed to do was open and close his mouth several times, undoubtedly looking rather dense. With a sigh Lucifer rested his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Look, it’s not like you’re going to turn this into a habit. But a little harmless fun could do wonders for that tedious attitude of yours. So, what do you say?”

“You really are the Devil, man!”

“Is that so bad?”

Dan couldn’t tell if there was something more in Lucifer’s eyes than a naughty glow. With a smirk he took another candy from the bag and playfully bumped his shoulder into the guy’s chest.

“No. It’s not bad at all.”


End file.
